Pushing through

When you don’t have any habits, or worse even – bad habits, it gets super difficult when you’re trying to push through. Especially when you’re wanting to do a few small things at once.
I know you should take things on one at a time, but hey – when you can fill a few pages with all the small things that would improve your life and make it healthier, there isn’t enough time to get all of them done.

One of my biggest issues is that I do take on too many, because I can’t determine which are priorities. Also, those priorities change more often than I’d like, because of the situations I’m put in, or just other things coming up.
Aside from that I know that I do so much better when I have external help. I’d always hoped that I’d have the support of my partner, but he only cares about himself and doesn’t want to put any effort in me or even himself – he likes being taken care of and not doing anything but lay in bed and watch YouTube videos.

Luckily for me, though, two fantastically amazing people from that group of truly genuine and awesome people I have talked about before have been helping me out a bit with remembering things and trying to stay positive.
I’ve started going to the gym again, which you might have noticed if you follow me on Instagram, and I’m getting a little more consistent in actually going, thanks to my two lovely bois. Whenever I don’t know what do to, or I get really bored, I can hear their voices going in my head “Go to the gym!”, which always gives me a laugh and actually makes it super easy for me to get myself in gear and actually go.
Drinking water ties in with the gym, since I love the flavored water they have there and I always sneak home two bottles to drink the rest of the day.  Next up is figuring out that sleeping pattern, finding that balance of having enough sleep and still talking to my bois.

How are you doing with your habits?

Positive vibes,

The right people

One of the most important things that has helped me out so much already, is having a handful of people around that care about me. Finding those people, however, hasn’t been easy and has brought along a lot of heartache, worrying, paranoia and distrust over the years. In fact, that’s one way how my PTSD developed.

I’ve always had issues holding on to friends, and for a very long time I thought it was always my fault when someone turned on me. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have my issues and that I can be a handful. Whenever I meet someone new and that I really enjoy talking to, I get excited easily and put my trust in them pretty quickly. I can get clingy sometimes and very talkative, which not everyone is equipped to handle well.
It always starts off great, and some mutual interests are established to a point where I’m told I can always come to them if I need to talk, which is always recipricated. That is, until that time comes around and I do just that.
Things get ugly pretty fast, when it turns out they didn’t actually mean it. Then when I tone it down, they give me a second chance I only talk to them occasionally, but in the end I get blamed for not “fixing” very serious issues in the matter of a few days, and ultimately get judged for my illnesses. Queue betrayed trust, and a broken heart (because of my BPD my emotions often go to an extreme). Just recently I lost a small group of supposed friends; A sad situation, with the inevitable hurt and needed recovery time, but in the end I’m better off without their toxicity.
Which is a very, very important lesson to take away from this: You are better off without the people who don’t support you, who write you off for a mental illness, and that make up stories to hurt you and excuses to push you out of their lives, even if they seem nice people and you’ve had great conversations with them before.

Then come in those amazing people who don’t judge me for something I can’t always control, and I can’t commend them more. The world would be a better place if people were more like them, and the stigma of mental illnesses would be significantly less.
Having them around is so freeing. I don’t have to walk on eggshells when talking to them, or wonder when they’ll up and leave – although my PTSD does like to remind me often that it’s always a possibility. I’ve never been one to give up, no matter what, but they make it easier to pick myself up when I’ve fallen and just keep going.
Just a few days ago I had one of the best nights I’ve had in years because of them. I was happy and carefree and it gave me hope that I’m on the right path to learning to live with my illnesses and improving on them, and that the right people actually do come along and stick around. To them, if you are reading this (even though I’ve already told you this), I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such wonderful people and accepting me for the person that I am, and willing to support me with the issues I am going through.

Like they have told me before – even though I had a hard time believing it at the time – I am telling you now: the right people who care for you, regardless of your flaws, will come around and stick with you. Those others who blame you and judge you aren’t worth keeping around. Though I know it isn’t always an easy process, so I hope you’ll find this as an opportunity to reach out to a listening and non-judgemental ear. My information is on the contact page and at the bottom of the website. You’re also always free to leave comments, and I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Positive vibes,
Shelly Elle