Pushing through

When you don’t have any habits, or worse even – bad habits, it gets super difficult when you’re trying to push through. Especially when you’re wanting to do a few small things at once.
I know you should take things on one at a time, but hey – when you can fill a few pages with all the small things that would improve your life and make it healthier, there isn’t enough time to get all of them done.

One of my biggest issues is that I do take on too many, because I can’t determine which are priorities. Also, those priorities change more often than I’d like, because of the situations I’m put in, or just other things coming up.
Aside from that I know that I do so much better when I have external help. I’d always hoped that I’d have the support of my partner, but he only cares about himself and doesn’t want to put any effort in me or even himself – he likes being taken care of and not doing anything but lay in bed and watch YouTube videos.

Luckily for me, though, two fantastically amazing people from that group of truly genuine and awesome people I have talked about before have been helping me out a bit with remembering things and trying to stay positive.
I’ve started going to the gym again, which you might have noticed if you follow me on Instagram, and I’m getting a little more consistent in actually going, thanks to my two lovely bois. Whenever I don’t know what do to, or I get really bored, I can hear their voices going in my head “Go to the gym!”, which always gives me a laugh and actually makes it super easy for me to get myself in gear and actually go.
Drinking water ties in with the gym, since I love the flavored water they have there and I always sneak home two bottles to drink the rest of the day.  Next up is figuring out that sleeping pattern, finding that balance of having enough sleep and still talking to my bois.

How are you doing with your habits?

Positive vibes,

Finding the right sleeping pattern

With the internet it has become incredibly easy to meet new people, which I’m very grateful for, especially since I’m so socially awkward and have difficulties talking to people face to face. It also brings along some issues when your closest friends live across the world and timezones get in the way of talking to them. Anytime between a 5h and 9h difference I deal with daily now. I’m lucky if I catch a few of my favorite people online – in a considered normal day – maybe an hour in the morning, and perhaps an hour or two in the evening before I get to bed. Especially with them having jobs or school during the day. Conversations get broken off in the middle often, and playing games with them doesn’t happen much either.

Wanting to spend more time with my friends changed my sleeping pattern even more than it had before, and has made setting up a schedule difficult. Most days now I’m up until 4am, and I try to get up at 7am, although that usually ends up being 11am and later, because I tend to fall asleep again when my alarm goes off. Sleeping longer also takes away a chunk of the time I have, so I’m stuck in a strange pattern that I don’t really want to get out of, but if I want to do other things I like and are needed for my health I definitely should.

Having a good nights sleep will make a big difference in how you feel and how active you’ll be during the day, so it’s one of the most important things needing to change if I want a healthier life. Though now I’m in the process of making sure the healthy life won’t get in the way of the happy life. Both are possible and important to me, so I’m just trying to find a nice balance that works for me. I’ve never needed much sleep in general, and I love getting up early in the morning and going to bed late, which will only work in my favor.

My first compromise with myself and attempt towards that happy and healthy life is making sure I’m in bed by 3am, and up at 7am. Which might be a big reach for me to do in one chunk, so I’d be happy if I got up at 11am the latest. I can always chip away at the time as I’m feeling and getting better. Hopefully I’ll be able to go to the gym in the mornings then, instead of the random times in the afternoon, and make it a healthy habit too. I already have two people’s voices in my head to get me to go to the gym every day, now I just have to get out of bed!

If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments.

Positive vibes,

The right people

One of the most important things that has helped me out so much already, is having a handful of people around that care about me. Finding those people, however, hasn’t been easy and has brought along a lot of heartache, worrying, paranoia and distrust over the years. In fact, that’s one way how my PTSD developed.

I’ve always had issues holding on to friends, and for a very long time I thought it was always my fault when someone turned on me. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have my issues and that I can be a handful. Whenever I meet someone new and that I really enjoy talking to, I get excited easily and put my trust in them pretty quickly. I can get clingy sometimes and very talkative, which not everyone is equipped to handle well.
It always starts off great, and some mutual interests are established to a point where I’m told I can always come to them if I need to talk, which is always recipricated. That is, until that time comes around and I do just that.
Things get ugly pretty fast, when it turns out they didn’t actually mean it. Then when I tone it down, they give me a second chance I only talk to them occasionally, but in the end I get blamed for not “fixing” very serious issues in the matter of a few days, and ultimately get judged for my illnesses. Queue betrayed trust, and a broken heart (because of my BPD my emotions often go to an extreme). Just recently I lost a small group of supposed friends; A sad situation, with the inevitable hurt and needed recovery time, but in the end I’m better off without their toxicity.
Which is a very, very important lesson to take away from this: You are better off without the people who don’t support you, who write you off for a mental illness, and that make up stories to hurt you and excuses to push you out of their lives, even if they seem nice people and you’ve had great conversations with them before.

Then come in those amazing people who don’t judge me for something I can’t always control, and I can’t commend them more. The world would be a better place if people were more like them, and the stigma of mental illnesses would be significantly less.
Having them around is so freeing. I don’t have to walk on eggshells when talking to them, or wonder when they’ll up and leave – although my PTSD does like to remind me often that it’s always a possibility. I’ve never been one to give up, no matter what, but they make it easier to pick myself up when I’ve fallen and just keep going.
Just a few days ago I had one of the best nights I’ve had in years because of them. I was happy and carefree and it gave me hope that I’m on the right path to learning to live with my illnesses and improving on them, and that the right people actually do come along and stick around. To them, if you are reading this (even though I’ve already told you this), I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such wonderful people and accepting me for the person that I am, and willing to support me with the issues I am going through.

Like they have told me before – even though I had a hard time believing it at the time – I am telling you now: the right people who care for you, regardless of your flaws, will come around and stick with you. Those others who blame you and judge you aren’t worth keeping around. Though I know it isn’t always an easy process, so I hope you’ll find this as an opportunity to reach out to a listening and non-judgemental ear. My information is on the contact page and at the bottom of the website. You’re also always free to leave comments, and I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Positive vibes,
Shelly Elle

This is for me

In all my years I can’t remember the amount of times I’ve put something I really liked to, or wanted to do, aside for something else. A lot of times simply because I thought I wasn’t good enough or deserved them. Often enough those things were more important, but it all comes back to putting myself aside for others, and other things – something I got from my mom.
Setting aside my desires, wants, and even needs, hasn’t done me or dealing with my low self-esteem issues much good. For so long I’ve felt not worthy or important enough to get the things I wanted or feel happy when there were other things demanding my attention as well.
Luckily, in the last few years I have learned a lot about my mental illnesses, how they can warp my thoughts and how to recognize the negativity to hopefully make the impact less. There is still a long way to go, but I’ve gotten to a point where I’m much more able to stand up for myself and what I need, and sometimes want, to function in the world.

Now I’m here picking up several things that have been put on the back burner for too long, and focusing on being healthy both physically and mentally. I’ve finally realized that I do matter, and deserve to be happy. I also took my own advice I’ve given plenty of times to others: you need to take care of yourself before you are able to take care of others.

This is my New Year, and my resolutions are to take time for my passions, put in some extra effort to be healthy, work on being happy, and most of all learn to love myself more and more because I matter.

After a string of frustrating months dealing with a bad situation at home, and the last few horrible weeks losing a lot of people I thought were friends, I am trying again. This is for me.
Today not only marks my birthday, but a new chapter in my life, filled with happiness, new adventures, feeling better in my skin, and writing my first book.

Hopefully I’ll see you around on my journey to share in my joy, or get something out of the sad and bad moments.

Positive vibes,
Shelly Elle